77 Improbable Events
by Siathryn
Summary: WIP. 77 oneshots, of improbable, unlikely, and funny events. The start in the time of the Four Founders and go up to Harry Potter's 7th year. AU, some OOC, this is just for laughs.
1. 1: Without Rhyme or Reason

77 Improbable Things

_This will be a series of 77 one-shots (however some ideas, things or events may appear in later one-shots). As well, these are in chronological order, starting in the founder's time and going to Harry Potter's 7th year. This is technically all AU; however the possibility that a fair number of these events actually occurred is very high. None of these events are totally impossible. Improbable, yes. This is AU after HBP. Much wackiness and silliness will follow._

_I shall attempt to put up 2 a week, but please don't count on it. _

_Let the laughs begin._

_Chapter 1 – Without Rhyme or Reason _

**qpqpqpqpqp **

"Alright now everyone, settle down," said Rowena Ravenclaw, "Godric has kindly created the sorting hat for us. The questions we have gathered here to answer are, to decide when and how we should test the hat."

Helga Hufflepuff spoke up, "I think we should test it on the current students, as that way we will know if the hat works properly."

"Are you implying Helga," Godric Gryffindor said, "that I could not properly make the sorting hat?"

Salazar Slytherin interrupted before Helga could get a word in, "Oh, she probably didn't mean that, it's Helga. Remember? She couldn't be condescending if she tried. I, on the other hand, believe that you've fouled up a number of projects, this one included."

"Salazar," growled Godric in a menacing tone.

"Oh really Godric, what are you going to do to me? Seriously? Throw me to the mercy of the owls? What a horrible way to die, being feathered to death."

Rowena broke the pair up, "Honestly, you two still act like arrogant little school boys in a competition. Now, we have one option for testing the sorting hat, do I have any other, legitimate, suggestions?"

Salazar said, "I suggest that we use it on the students that will arrive tomorrow. There's no point on seeing it work on existing students, since they wouldn't be transferring Houses anyways. And with my way, we can observe the new students for a year to make sure the sorting hat was correct, and not in, error."

"Alright," said Rowena, "any more suggestions?"

A silence filled the room. No one had any ideas left. Well, Godric and Salazar had ideas, but they were immature ideas that had absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand.

Rowena spoke again, "Then all in favor of Helga's idea, raise your wand."

Only Helga lifted up her wand.

"Too bad Helga," drawled Salazar, "looks like my idea went through."

Helga just sniffed, and left the room in a huff. Godric was torn between laughing and frowning, because it was Salazar's idea, and Rowena let out a little giggle.

"I guess I'll inform the hat," said Godric.

Godric walked up to the stool that the sorting hat was perched on, picked it up, and started talking to it, "Now, you will be sorting the students who arrive tomorrow into the four Houses."

A split formed in the hat and it said, "Well, I guess I will, since that is my purpose. Anything in particular you want me to do other than call out what House they belong in?"

"Before you sort the students, maybe you could make up a rhyme or a song to tell them about the qualities of the four Houses. That way, they'll be prepared."

"Alright," said the hat. When no one moved it spoke again, "Well, you'd best let me get started on thinking something up as I have less than a day."

With that, Godric put the hat back on the stool and the three founders left the room in search oh Helga, who they figured was probably up in the Astronomy Tower again.

**qpqpqpqpqp**

**The next day, at the sorting feast**

"Now students," said Rowena as she stood up from her seat at the Staff Table, "we will be trying something different this year. Professor Gryffindor has done us the great honor of making a sorting hat, which will be able to determine which of the four Houses you belong in. After its brief song, I will call your names and you will one by one walk up to the stool, and place the sorting hat on your head and it will then call out your House."

A tear in the hat began to form, and then, it attempted, to sing.

_I am a sorting hat you see_

_The first of my kind,_

_I get to sit on top of you_

_And pray I don't get lice._

_Now in this School_

_There are four houses called_

_Slytherin and Gryffindor, _

_Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff,_

_Each of which are fine._

_Every house has different things_

_That they look for in their students,_

_So you'd better beware and be nice to me_

_Or I'll just leave you hanging._

_If you go in Ravenclaw_

_You need be very boring,_

_With dusty books and trusty quills_

_You'll be as silent as a ghost._

_Now House Hufflepuff is different_

_To get in here, you must be,_

_Really slow and thick _

_But also very loyal._

_Old Gryffindor only takes those_

_Of reckless stupidity and anger,_

_You always act and never think_

_Which gets you many detentions. _

_Then in Slytherin you must be very _

_Slippery and tricky,_

_If you love following a madman,_

_Then this is the house for you. _

_So now I've told you all the spots_

_That I can stick you in,_

_My job is almost done now_

_And then I can retire. _

The entire Great Hall was silent, as no one was sure what to make of the hat. Rowena broke the silence by starting to call up people to try on the sorting hat.

"Abbott, Mildred."

A mousy-haired girl walked up to the hat. She was somewhat leery of it after that song and didn't really want to put it on her head. Finally, after some gesturing from Helga, Mildred bravely was the first to put the hat on.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" yelled the hat.

Mildred took it off, placed it on the stool and scurried away as fast as she could to the Hufflepuff table.

There were many students to be sorted, but they all blurred together after a while. Some of the students were a Regulus Black who was sorted into Ravenclaw, a Fenry Diggory into Hufflepuff, a Fran Longbottom into Gryffindor, a Humbestu Lovegood into Ravenclaw, a Tiberius Prince into Slytherin, a Julia Potter into Gryffindor, a Septimus Malfoy into Slytherin and a William Weasley became a Gryffindor.

After the feast was over and the students had been lead to their dormitories by the school prefects, the four founders confronted the sorting hat.

"What in Merlin's name was that?" asked Rowena.

The hat replied, "Well, you only gave me 18 hours to come up with a suitable song you know. I may be magical, but I can't work magic and miracles."

"But you made us all sound so, horrible, and you misrepresented us to the students!" said Salazar.

"I did not," the hat said curtly, "Everything I said was true."

Helga had now had enough, "You were supposed to talk about the good qualities of each House. And it was supposed to rhyme you stupid old rag!"

The hat said, "Now Madame Hufflepuff, you did not say to talk about the good qualities, just qualities. And I tried to make it rhyme, but I don't have much experience in this realm. And unless you want me to use '_Homicidal Hufflepuffs'_, as a rhyme next year, I suggest you keep your tongue to yourself."

Helga turned red in the face, and stormed off towards the Astronomy Tower yet again. Rowena giggled, Godric chuckled, and Salazar smirked, wondering if he could bribe the hat next year.


	2. 2: Burning Bridges and Bedcurtains

_The second chapter is set in the time period when Albus Dumbledore was in his 7th year at Hogwarts. Credit for creating Kevin and Jonas goes to my friend Cindy. _

Chapter 2: Burning Bridges and Bedcurtains

"I hate these curtains," Albus said as he leaned off his bed. He batted the curtains out of his way as he hung backwards off his bed. He looked across the room to his year-mates, Jonas and Kevin.

Kevin pushed his curly red hair out of his eyes and asked, "Why?"

"I don't know," Albus responded, "I just don't like them."

Jonas pushed the curtains around his bed out of the way, "Will you two please cease your pointless jabbering? I am trying to read the latest version of Hogwarts: A History. Reading it might shed some light on all of those little honored traditions that you two constantly berate."

Kevin and Albus rolled their eyes and let the topic drift back to the more mundane aspects of life at Hogwarts. That was, until Jonas pushed his head back out from behind the curtains and asked them politely, to shut up.

Kevin looked exasperated, "Let's go see if Helen…and Miriam are in the library."

Albus laughed, "You're still pining after Helen? When will you realize that she is not interested in you at all."

"She smiled at me yesterday Albus. She knows that I love her."

Albus grabbed Kevin by the shoulders, "She smiled at you like you where a poor, pathetic, half-drowned puppy. It was a pity smile."

"You are just jealous that no fair lass has smiled at you," as Kevin spoke, his Irish accent became stronger as he became more and more indignant.

Any potential argument between the two was forestalled by Jonas' clipped tones, "Get out. I require peace and quiet to read."

Albus stalked over to Jonas' bed and pulled the curtains apart. He mockingly bowed low and said, "As you wish Sir Jonas the Studious, we will leave you to your noble pursuit of knowledge and off we shall go to serenade young ladies."

"Ladies? Albus, you want one too?" Kevin asked interrupting Albus' little speech.

Albus shrugged and continued, "Of course, and then we can also go battle demons"

Kevin laughed, interrupted Albus again, "The only demon in Hogwarts is Peeves."

Jonas dryly countered, "He is a poltergeist Kevin, not a demon."

Albus kept on going through the entire exchange, "And repair great damage."

Kevin perked up at the word damage, "Do we get to cause the damage first."

Jonas said from behind his book, "It is impossible to destroy anything in Hogwarts. Everything is protected by the most intricate of anti-destruction charms."

It was Albus' turn to look intrigued, "We can't destroy anything?"

"Nothing," replied Jonas as he pulled his curtains back together.

Kevin bounced on his bed saying, "We can't even scratch one of the legs on a table."

"Yes, now go away. I have 657 more pages to read," Jonas' voice was muffled by his curtains.

Albus looked back up at the bed curtains, "I wonder if I can destroy these horrible things?"

"No, no you can't," Jonas was pleading now, "Please leave me in peace."

Albus had a strange gleam in his eye when he turned to Kevin, "I believe that Sir Jonas the Studious has insulted the ingenuity of the Gryffindor spirit. We shall prove his foul language incorrect."

**qpqpqpqpqp**

That became Albus and Kevin's quest. They had to destroy the curtains. For the first time in the history of Hogwarts School, Kevin could found in the library for some purpose other than trailing after one of the females of the School. Albus even read 'Hogwarts: A History' to look for clues about the charms on the castle.

Every night they would sit down on Kevin's bed and stare at the offending curtains. They would discuss some possibilities and occasionally, one of them would take out their wands and mutter something at the curtains. Sometimes, a small smudge would appear but then it would be gone by morning. Nothing was ever permanent.

Three weeks after the original idea, Kevin was starting to losing interest. He stared up at the canopy above his bed looking positively elated.

Albus looked over, "You've figured it out?"

"Nope. Helen came over and sat down by me today. We got talking about charms and I actually knew what she was talking about. She was so much more interested in me than normal. I asked her to come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend. She accepted."

"Ah, so all you had to do was find her weakness. She likes smart men."

"Yes, yes she does. In fact, I think I may go downstairs to the library and read more about the discoveries of Sir Hedric the Pompous. He had the most interesting ideas for suits of armor. Did you know that he built points of weakness into the armor he made so that he could kill any of the people who wore his armor? Well, anyways I'm off to go study."

Albus grabbed him before he got out the door, "Sir Hedric the Pompous also enchanted the linens of Hogwarts. Helga Hufflepuff hired him to do it because he was cousin of hers."

Kevin gave Albus a blank stare.

Albus continued, "He probably did the same thing here, making a weakness. If Helga didn't pay him he could have ruined all the linens. All we have to do is find the weakness. What did he put into his armor that made them weak?"

Jonas said, "He was an unusually good shot. Apparently he liked to launch flaming arrows at his enemies that would completely consume what ever they touched at first contact."

"So we just have to surround the entire bed with flames. Sooner or later, all that fire will eventually find the one loophole," Albus said as he jumped off his bed and then began to walk around it

As he walked around his bed he took out his wand. At approximately every foot, he bent down and muttered, "Aduro utroque cum iquam inflammo."

Kevin was sitting up and his bed and looked over at his friend, "What are, you doing?"

"Just creating a series of combustible points that will all go up when I want them to."

"And what is that word that will it all go 'Boom'!"

Albus was leaning back against on of the bedposts looking at his work, "Inflammo omnis utroque. Do you think"

He leapt forward as all the points ignited. He looked sheepish and muttered, "Oops."

Kevin jumped off his bed and stepped closer to the fire that was burning around Albus' bed, "Umm…when does it burn out?"

Jonas then opened the door, paused to look at the scene and then asked, "What are you two doing?"

Albus didn't even turn to look at Jonas, "Burning the curtains. Look! The curtains are starting to smolder."

All three stood and watched as the curtains burned. When the all the fabric was definitely blackened and hanging in tatters, Albus, Jonas and Kevin shot water out of their wands until the fire was gone. They then turned to each other.

Jonas spoke first, "Well, that was interesting," he looked intrigued now, "And how did you do that?"

**qpqpqpqpqp**

Notes for the future:

Albus Dumbledore went on to become the Greatest Headmaster that Hogwarts had ever known since the Four Founders.

Kevin Weasley married Helen Abbott and founded a clan of red haired, loyal and curious witches and wizards (well mostly wizards).

Jonas Benjamin became Minister of Magic for five consecutive terms and was known as Jonas the Wise and Good. He was supported by Professor Albus Dumbledore for his entire career.

My rough grasp and translation of Latin for the spells:

Aduro: to set fire to

Inquam: I say

Cum: when

Utroque: both sides/at each point

Inflammo: to light on fire

Omnis: all


	3. 3: Wolf in the Sheepfold

Chapter 3 – Wolf in the Sheepfold

_Alright, we have now moved up to the Marauders Era in Hogwarts. Have fun with the one and only Sirius Black. _

_And yes I know Andromeda is older than Sirius, but, this idea was too much fun to pass up. They are both in their 7th year at Hogwarts. _

**qpqpqpqpqp**

Argus Filch grumbled as he stuck his head through the portrait entrance to the Gryffindor common room, "Black! Get over here! The Headmaster wants to see you."

Sirius Black shifted his girlfriend, well, his girlfriend for that particular week, winked at his crowd of worshippers and proclaimed, "Well ladies, I am a man with many demands on my time and so, I must be off," he turned to his 'girlfriend', "See you at supper tonight."

The remaining Marauders looked at each other, wondering which of the many unproven pranks that they had pulled in the last week that Sirius was going to get in trouble for. But then, since all four of them were not being called to go see the Headmaster, it probably had something to do with Sirius' many romantic adventures. None of the Marauders ever interfered in Sirius' encounters with the females of Hogwarts, or helped get him out of any of the trouble that he landed himself in because of said exploits.

Sirius trailed behind Filch as they walked to Ravenclaw Tower. When they got there, Filch called out and Andromeda Black came out to join them. She tried to ask Sirius what was going on, but as he didn't know he just shrugged. Andromeda usually didn't get in trouble, well, nothing compared to Sirius anyways, so what in Merlin's name was going on?

The three of them walked down to the entrance hall. Filch started to explain the reason the two of them were there, but he was interrupted by a sudden shower of dark brown smoke coming out of one of the closets near the entrance hall.

"Dungbombs!" Filch called, "When I get my hands on those little filthy students, I'll..." he stopped that particular comment when he realized that the two Black's were still there, "You two are going on different exchange trips. The Headmaster thought it would improve inter-school relations. Mrs. Black goes in the first carriage to Beauxbatons, Mr. Black, you get the second one going to Durmstrang."

Andromeda and Sirius looked at each other with pained expressions and groaned. Sirius whined, "How long is this stupid exchange? How long will I have to be locked up in an all male school with those masochistic Russian idiots?"

Andromeda expressed similar concerns, "I'm stuck at a school with half witted French butterflies. At least Durmstrang has been known to send its students on field trips."

Then Sirius' eyes lit up. While his face slipped into a grimace of fake endurance, his eyes kept that gleam, "Right then Andy, I'm going," he stepped into the first carriage.

Andromeda's eyes also lit up as she realized the plan, and stepped up into the second carriage, "Right then…off we go."

**qpqpqpqpqp**

Sirius stepped out of the carriage onto a gravel path that led to a dainty white crystal castle. The next thing he saw was a tiny old woman. She gasped, "You are not a woman! Are you?"

Sirius patted his chest and looked down, "Madam, I assure you, that I am quite male."

The third thing he noticed (and perhaps most importantly of all to him), was the rows of beautiful French girls. He winked at a slender blond in the back row. She blushed.

The tiny woman coughed out, still outraged, "I am Madame Carré, Headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. I do not mean to offend you, but well, we were expecting a Ms. Black. Could you explain to us why Ms. Black is not here?"

Sirius bowed low, took Madam Carré hand and kissed it, "I am Mr. Black. It would seem that my cousin and I accidentally got taken to each other's school. My cousin, Ms. Andromeda Black, is apparently, on her way to Durmstrang."

He then looked behind him and noticed that the carriage had left, "It would seem that my ride has left. I guess I'll be required to remain as a guest at your beautiful school for the reminder of this exchange."

Between the speech, the hand kissing and the general flattery, Madame Carré would have done anything Sirius requested, "So it would seem. You are welcome to spend the next two weeks at our school. I shall see to it we change around the arrangements to suit the new, situation. It would not be proper for you to reside in the seventh year dorms as I had originally planned."

She swept away, with the rows of students following after her. The blonde lingered a moment and blew a kiss to Sirius.

When she turned her back, Sirius grinned.

This was certainly better than early morning dips in nearly frozen Russian lakes. It was going to be a very cozy couple of weeks.

**qpqpqpqpqp**

**Sirius' Journal**

_Day 1, Monday _

_8:00-9:30_ _- Charms. Of the magical variety not the female variety, which is a pity. Found out that the blonde's name is Marie-Antoinette. I spent most of the class explaining to her some of the more simple charms. Of course, the best way to demonstrate the wand movements required is to stand behind your student and wrap your arms the student. _

_9:30-11:00_ _- Care of Magical Creatures. Apparently the largest part of the class curriculum is the study of unicorns. I can't touch the creatures, so I spent the entire class watching the girls._

_11:00-1:00_ _- Lunch Break. Marie is a very pretty blusher. And an even better kisser._

_I've discovered that the school is definitely lacking in discrete corners for 'extra curricular activities'. _

_Day 4, Thursday_

_Care of Magical Creatures again. Sat down on the fence outside the unicorn enclosure. It seems to be the best place since the unicorns try to kill me every time I try to come in the padlock. When Marie tried to pet one of the unicorns today it nearly stabbed her. I guess that's my fault. _

_Day 5, Friday_

_The thing about being in an all girls school is that information travels fast. Apparently Marie has found about Alexandria_ _and vice versa. Am now short minus both girlfriends._

_Day 6, Saturday - Weekly Tally_

_Girlfriends lost: 4_

_Girlfriends gained: 7_

_Girls no longer able to enter unicorn paddock: 12_

_Day 7, Sunday_

_Andromeda sent a letter. _

_I'm definitely enjoying Durmstrang. Since I am the only female that most of them have seen all semester I am always the center of attention. I don't have to carry my books, do my homework or…well anything really. I don't actually have much to do now that I think about it. They even volunteer to beat each other up for me. The professors have respectively requested that I tell the guys that violence makes me ill and that I really don't like them fighting over me. Other than that, I have learnt some really interesting little hexes that would come in very useful next time you decide to be 'a loving cousin'._

_From you cous_

_Andy Black_

_Day 8, Monday _

_The Headmistress told me that I am no longer allowed to enter any of the dormitories. She found me, some of the sixth years and some of that really delightful French champagne on the floor of one of the dorms this morning. I looked smug and happy. The girls looked ashamed and satisfied. The champagne bottles looked very empty (well they were quite empty). _

_Day 9, Tuesday _

_Bad News: Apparently Headmistress' requests are enforced by alarm bells that go off if I decide to enter the dorms. _

_Good News: I found a bathroom that has a really nice hot tub. Might come in handy. _

_Day 10, Wednesday_

_During Care of Magical Creatures I sat on one side of the fence and twenty three girls sat down on the other side. None of them would look at me. Surely I couldn't have been that busy - I don't even remember some of their names._

_On the other hand, I do remember something about them that causes me to wonder where the other eighteen of them were. _

_Day 11, Thursday_

_Decided to stop attending CoMC's_

_The glares from females sitting on the fence are starting to get really scary, and they're growing exponentially. _

_I have better things to do._

_The professor is very attractive and it will definitely be problematic if I start flirting with her with all the fence sitters looking on._

_Day 12, Friday_

_I believe that is the first time I have ever…well in my defense she's only four years older than me. I have definitely opened a can of worms. Is there anyone I won't do? Well, probably, I just haven't found them._

_Day 13, Saturday_

_I think I am going to stay in my room today. No classes and all that jazz. I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that there are three girls outside my door who are suggesting my dismemberment. It is amazing that French can sound beautiful during both sex and battle. Wait…they so did not just suggest that! I would rather keep that bit intact._

_That one just sounds painful…Is that even physically possible? Well, I guess if you do it that way it's both possible and really painful._

_Day 14, Sunday - Weekly count- in_

_Girlfriends gained 23_

_Girlfriends lost 22_

_Current number of girlfriends 4_

_Percentage of above age students that I have not flirted with 23_

_Oh Merlin, I wonder how long I can continue this. I am feeling a wee bit tired. _

_I go home tomorrow. Rest at last._

**qpqpqpqpqp**

Two carriages touched down outside Hogwarts simultaneously. The door to the first one opened and Sirius Black swaggered out. Andromeda Black swung out of the second one.

They looked at each other and shrugged.

Sirius sighed, "I didn't know that heaven could be so hellish."

Andromeda laughed, "Amen! How was your two weeks?"

"I don't want to talk about it. What about yours?"

"Don't even ask. There are some things that are better off not said."

They walked back into Hogwarts together, with similar looking swaggers.


	4. 4: If the Shoe Fits

Chapter 4 – If the Shoe Fits

_Hear ye, hear ye, the fourth chapter! Hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Year!_

**qpqpqpqpqp**

Summer at number 12, Grimmauld Place was dragging on so slowly, that Remus, Sirius, Harry and Ron were actually attempting to clean the house. They were desperate to find something to do. Harry was even beginning to wish Old Moldy-shorts would try to kill him again. At the moment, they were emptying out some of the most curious-looking cabinets in the house, carefully mind you, and talking.

Ron gingerly poked at a china teacup which immediately started vibrating and twirling around, "Harry, Hermione and I get in more trouble than the marauders ever did," he told Remus and Sirius.

Harry looked up from his wrestling match with a pair of sugar tongs, "Ron! That's not true!" he tried to tie the tongs together with his tie, "And who decided to enchant this stupid tea set anyways?"

Remus flung Ron's now exploding teacup across the room where it blew apart a really ugly set of curtains, "We created the marauders map, shaved Mrs. Norris seven times, and tortured Severus Snape on a regular basis… Sirius, you weren't terribly fond of those curtains I hope."

Sirius pried the tongs off of Harry's hand, looked at the smoking remains of the putrid yellow curtains and said, "You had better be joking Moony. Mum got the bloody curtains at the same time as this stupid tea set. That type of tea set was a fad around 1863. So of course when Mum found one she bought it, and the store owner gave her the curtains for free. Mum was extremely fond of that bloody tea set," he paused and then spoke to Remus, "You know, we might have caused a lot more damage if we hadn't been fighting with each other half the time."

Ron caught a pickle fork as it launched itself at his head, "You fought each other?"

Sirius stomped on a spoon that was making an escape attempt, "We…teased each other…a lot."

Remus stepped on another spoon which broke with an audible 'crack', "Tease? You and James could be cruel… very cruel. Like the time you were convinced that I was a girl."

Sirius smashed the last escaping spoon, "I wonder what damage these things would do if they had escaped? And that was James, not me."

Remus replied, "Oh really? I distinctly remember it being you who thought I was a girl and James who was trying to tell you that it was completely absurd."

Ron and Harry finally caught the flying tea tray and were holding it down. Harry looked up at Sirius, "Why did you think Remus was a girl?"

Sirius sighed, "I'm not getting out of this one am I?" They all shook their heads, "Fine, it all started one evening when I was looking for a jacket…

…….

_James was lounging on his bed staring up at the ceiling, probably composing another poem to Lily. I was playing with my tie in front of the mirror trying to get it straight, Peter was eating a chocolate frog and Remus was reading some heavy and probably dull book on Transfiguration. _

_I pulled my leather jacket off my bedpost and shrugged it on. James lifted his head, "Don't wear that. Marilyn Brooke isn't into bad boys. She's a bookworm, remember? Wear the corduroy jacket."_

_I took off the jacket and reached into my trunk. When I couldn't find the jacket on top of my other clothes, I started rifling through it, "James, I can't find it. Where is it?"_

_James had already dropped his head back onto his bed "I do not borrow your clothing Sirius. Your girlfriends, on the other hand…well, at least I'm pretty sure I saw Evelyn Bradshaw wearing one of your shirts the other day."_

_I started looking through every trunk in the room and finally pulled the corduroy jacket out of a trunk, and then saw whose it was, "Peter this is your trunk, why did you take it? You didn't have a date, did you?"_

_Peter began stuttering something incomprehensible and turned Gryffindor red. James looked shocked and interested, and even Remus put down his book to stare at Peter. _

_I stood there holding the jacket, looking like a well dressed Greek statue I might add, and asked, "Little Petey had a date?"_

_Peter stammered some more._

"_With who?"_ _James was no longer staring at the ceiling, but at Peter's face which was rapidly turning purple from lack of oxygen._

"_Helen…Charleson…." Peter sputtered out. _

_James looked knowingly at Sirius "Hufflepuff, mousy, boring."_

_I countered, "A mouse for a mouse! Perfect!"_

_James lay back on the bed "You know, I have a date tonight…"_

_I interrupted James and asked the obvious question, "Lily?"_

"_Nah, I'm trying to make her jealous."_

"_Never works."_

"_Can I make my point?"_

"_You have a point?"_

"_Yes Sirius, I have a point. The point is, I have a date, you have a date, and even Petey has a date. But Remy here doesn't. Which begs the question…does Lupin have a secret?"_

_I laughed "Well, being female would explain his need to hide every month." _

_Remus flushed, glared at Sirius and said, "I am not a girl Sirius."_

"_But it all makes sense Remy!" I countered, "I mean, you go missing for a week every month, always around the same time. You get irritable and ornery too. You never change in front of us, you get along better with the girls than any of us and you shave really often." _

_James looked at Sirius, "Are you completely off your rocker? Remus is not a girl. I mean, what possible reason would he have for pretending to be a guy when he's really a girl? It makes no sense Sirius."_

_I continued on, "But he…she… has to be! It's the only explanation that fits! If Remy's not a girl, then what happens every month?"_

_James had no reply to that, and turned to Remus, "Well Remy, what have you got to say?"_

_While James and I had been arguing, Remus had buried his face into a pillow; we heard a muffled reply, "mmotuhgul."_

"_What was that Remy?" I asked._

_Remus lifted his head from the pillow, "I'm not a girl." _

"_Well," I said, "you'd better give us an explanation then." _

_Remus looked wearily down at his bed. He looked as if his life was going to end. I didn't understand, "Remy, c'mon. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. We'll still be your friends."_

_James and Peter nodded._

_Remus sighed, "Remember what we were going over in Defense class two weeks ago?"_

_I responded, confused, "Ya, it was something like red-caps and werewolves…"_

_As Remus looked up at us, the answer dawned on me, "Holy Merlin."_

"_And now," Remus whispered, "you hate me. I'll just go pack up my stuff, and tell the Headmaster"_

_James interrupted, "What do you mean pack up?"_

"_Well, I'll have to leave now that you know," Remus looked down-trodden, "I had just gotten used to Hogwarts too."_

_I stepped in front of Remus and stopped him from packing, "Remy, look at us," Remus looked up at the smiling faces of his friends, "we don't hate you. You're our friend, we don't want you to leave." _

_Remus looked at us like we belonged in St. Mungo's, "You don't hate me for being a werewolf?"_

_Peter spoke up, "You stood up for me the first day when no one else would. You've helped us whenever we ask. You're one of the marauders. You're one of us." _

"_You see," I smiled and bounced up and down while holding onto Remy's shoulders, "We're not letting you go. You're stuck to us like, oh what was that thing Lily said, super-gloup!" _

_Remus grinned weakly, "Super-glue Sirius, super-glue." _

"_That was it. I did know that."_

"_So, you guys really don't mind?"_

"_Nope," replied James, "Like Sirius said, you're stuck with us." _

_Remus smiled, and then frowned at Sirius, "I can't believe you thought I was a girl!"_

"_What!" I exclaimed, as James and Peter started laughing, "It fit!" _

…….

"Bloody hell mate," said Ron, "you really thought he was a girl?"

Sirius sighed, "Yes. And he's never let me forget it either."

"I've still never understood how you thought that being a girl instead of a werewolf was more likely Padfoot," said Remus.

"It's like that thing Lily said to me once Remy, 'If you have two fitted shoes'."

Harry corrected Sirius, "If the shoe fits, Sirius. Not two fitted shoes."

"I knew that," the others started laughing, "I really did."

They only laughed harder.


	5. 5: Antlers, Tails and Teeth, Oh My!

Chapter 5 – Antlers, Tails and Teeth …Oh My!

_We're off to see the Wizards, the wonderful wizards of Hogwarts!_

_Thanks to everyone who's reviewing, adding to favorites and alerts! And all those who just come and read!_

A.N. Sorry about the formating at the end - but was not being nice and it wouldn't upload the last 15 lines or so.

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"James," asked Remus, "are you sure that you're all ready? You're all prepared?"

"Oh c'mon Remy, stop worrying. It's not like we took Polyjuice with owl feathers or something stupid," James replied as he was pulling off his shirt.

Peter whispered, "Sirius, why do we need to be undressed for this?"

Sirius responded, "Because we don't want to ruin our clothes. This is a 20 galleon shirt Peter."

"Only you would buy a 20 galleon shirt Sirius," admonished Remus.

"What wrong with it?" asked Sirius from behind his bed curtains, "I happen to have very good taste in clothes. In fact, next Hogsmade weekend Remy, you should let me-"

"No."

"Oh c'mon."

"No Sirius."

"Please? I'll even pay."

"Sirius, you know I don't care about my clothes."

"Let me take you shopping. C'mon, you know you want to say yes."

"I'm serious, you are not parading me around all the shops in Hogsmade."

"You're not Sirius, I-"

"Sirius!"

"Alright," interrupted James, "Everyone ready?"

A chorus of yes's sounded from three of the four-poster beds in the 5th year Gryffindor boy's dorm.

Remus started talking, explaining once again to his friends what they should be doing, "Alright, now you need to concentrate on your inner magical core. Visualize it," he paused for a few minutes to let them adjust, "Now you need to let your magic flow through you and let it – Sirius, what in Merlin's name are you doing over there?"

"I did it! I did it! Look!" yelled Sirius as he bounded out of his bed, completely stark naked.

James peaked out from behind his curtains, "Sirius, you're still human. And you're still naked."

"What?" Sirius looked down, "Bloody hell!"

He covered himself up with his bedspread, "But I was sure something happened! I felt it...Peter, can you please stop touching me now? It's getting rather disturbing."

"Uh, Sirius, I'm over here," said Peter across the room from his own bed.

"Well, what in the hell is touching me?"

Remus looked quizzically at Sirius, then said, "Turn around."

"What!" exclaimed Sirius, "No!"

"Sirius," Remus threatened, "turn around or I will make you."

"Fine," huffed Sirius.

Three gasps were heard as Sirius turned around.

"What? What's wrong? There's nothing wrong with me is there? I didn't lose anything?"

"Shite Sirius. You have a…a…a…" stuttered James, "tail."

"What?"

"You have a tail Sirius," repeated James.

Sirius looked up at James in astonishment, then with surprise, "James! You've got horns!"

"Huh?" said James as he reached up and touched his head, "Well, shite."

"They're antlers, not horns," Remus told them as Sirius was reaching behind him to find his tail. When he found it, he jumped with surprise.

"How come it only partly worked?" asked James.

Remus sighed, "I'm guessing that when Sirius started his transformation he got so excited that it broke off, and in turn ruined everyone's concentration. So, you all had it right, but Sirius," he glared at his friend, "got too excited. On that note, are you even listening Sirius?"

Sirius hadn't heard a word Remus had said as he was still playing with his tail, "Huh? Whatcha say Remy?"

"Why do I even bother?" Remus said to himself.

James started talking, "So, my form is some sort of deer, a stag probably. Sirius, you have to be a dog or wolf," He suddenly realized Peter was silent and still hiding behind the curtains of his bed, "Peter, why are you hiding? Come on out so we can see what you're going to be."

Peter came out slowly, he was fully dressed, "Nothing happened. Like usual, I can't do anything."

"Peter," said Sirius, "what's wrong with your teeth? They look a little, well, odd."

Peter opened his mouth and James, Sirius and Remus saw that he had enlarged front teeth.

"You got rodent teeth Petey!" James said.

Peter looked elated, "You mean it worked?" His friends nodded.

"I can do something!" Peter was positively glowing with joy.

Remus suddenly realized something, "You all realize we still have to go down for supper, right?"

"Oh no," whispered Peter, "We are going to be in so much trouble."

James said, "Let's go see Professor McGonagall. She's an animagus, so hopefully she can tell us how to fix this."

The four of them clambered down the dormitory stairs. They received many odd glances and stares from their housemates as they walked through their common room and down the hallway to McGonagall's office. Finally, they were there. Remus knocked gently on the door.

As the door opened Professor McGonagall started speaking, "What is it? I am really quite – Good gracious! What happened?"

James spoke, "We're really sorry Professor McGonagall, but we were trying the animagus transformation and something went a little wrong."

"You four should have not been even trying it in the first place! Why, don't you know what can go wrong?"

"Yes Professor McGonagall, but we just wanted to try. And Remus wasn't a part of this. He didn't even know about it until he walked into our dorm room."

"Well," said Professor McGonagall, "you three are in serious trouble. You all have detention with me for the next two weeks starting tomorrow for this little, stunt of yours."

"Uh," said Sirius, "how do we change back?"

Professor McGonagall looked at Sirius, "In the half-changed form, you cannot change back. You have to wait it out. You should revert back to you're normal selves in 8 to 10 hours. Now, I believe it is time for supper."

With that Professor McGonagall began walking to the Great Hall, leaving the four boys standing in front of her door.

"Well," said James, "that was better, and worse, than I expected."

"James, stop talking in riddles," Sirius pleaded.

"We only got detention-"

"What do you mean we ONLY got detention? That's horrible!"

"We could have been expelled Sirius. We were trying something dangerous that could potentially harm the other students."

"Well, when you look at it like that. And did you swallow Remy's rule book or something?"

"No, I used something called my head Sirius."

"Hey now, there's no reason to be demeaning."

"I'm not being demeaning, it's true. You don't think with your head. You think with something decidedly lower."

"I do not."

"Alright then, what do you think of Felicia Abbott?"

Sirius' tail started wagging and he started drooling, "Mmmmm, Felicia. Nice legs, perfect Quidditch player, a beautifully big set of-"

"SIRIUS!"

"Oh, sorry."

"My point."

"Fine. You win."

Peter asked James, "If getting detention was good, what's bad?"

James replied, "That McGonagall couldn't fix us."

"Oh."

"Let's just go down to supper," Remus told his friends.

"Well," said Sirius, "looks like we get to be the center of attention."

"Again," added Remus.

The four of them set off for a supper that would go down in the history of Hogwarts. As soon as they entered the Great Hall, everyone stopped talking to stare and whisper. The four walked to the Gryffindor table, with Sirius' tail wagging when noticed a group of Hufflepuff girls (including Felicia Abbott), giggling and pointing at his tail.

A couple of minutes into supper, the antics started.

"Sirius, don't you have any manners at all?" questioned Remus.

"What? There's nothing wrong with how I'm eating."

"There's juice dribbling down your shirt."

"You're right Remy," said James, "and it's making me absolutely nauseous."

"Well, deer are vegetarian James."

"But I like meat!"

"Too bad for you."

"Shut up Sirius."

Sirius noticed Peter gnawing on his food, and saw that there was almost an entire loaf of bread on the plate in front of his friend.

"You okay there Petey?"

"Perfectly. This stuff tastes really good."

There was a screech from the girls sitting next to James. It appeared that he speared some food onto his antlers and was now picking it off to eat it.

"James," said Remus, "that's almost as disgusting as the display Sirius put on earlier."

"Hey!" "That's not true!"

"I think it's rather clever."

"Why do I even bother?"

"Those could be quite useful, Prongs."

"What did you call me Sirius?"

"Prongs."

"I like it."

"Som du is."

"What was that Peter?"

Peter finished chewing and swallowed, "So do I."

"Alright, so I'm Prongs. Sirius, what could we call you and Peter?"

"What about Tails? And Whiskers?"

"No."

"Why not Remy?"

"Can you even hear yourself?"

"Yes, and I sound quite fine."

"Why do I even bother?"

"How about Padfoot? Because of, you know, soft feet, and the sneaking."

"Hey, that's actually a good idea Peter. Good one."

"Thanks James."

"Hey, what about Peter though?"

"Teeth?"

"Sneak?"

"Small?"

"Nah."

Sirius thought for a minute, then he got a look on his face reminiscent of the one he had after being on a broom for the first time, "What about Wormtail?"

"How does that work Sirius?"

"Well, rats and mice have ringed skinny, hairless tails. Worms are ringed, skinny and hairless. So Wormtail."

"It's the best they've come up with so far Remus."

"I know Peter but still…"

"It's not that bad."

"So, Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail."

"Hey Remy, you need a name."

"I do not need a juvenile name Sirius."

"You know, you're right Padfoot. Remy does need a name."

Sirius started to snicker.

"What Sirius?"

"How about Moony?"

"That is not funny Sirius."

"Oh c'mon Remy, it's descriptive."

"Ya Moony, stop being a spoilsport."

"Fine."

"So, we each have names. But what should we call ourselves as a group?" said Peter.

"Hm," James scratched his antlers, "What about the Adventurers?"

"Nah, sounds lame Prongs. What about the Enterprisers?"

"We should have never let Lily introduced you to that muggle television show Sirius."

"What? There's nothing wrong with it."

Remus sighed, "Oh Sirius. What about we call ourselves 'The Marauders'?"

"What's a marauder Moony?"

"It's a person or a group of people who go out on a quest for plunder."

"What's plunder?"

"Good grief Sirius, you don't know what plunder is?"

"No, I don't know Moony."

"Plunder, riches, loot, booty-"

"Booty?" Sirius said wide-eyed, with his tail wagging at a furious pace, "Where?"

"Oh for the love of Merlin! You've set him off again Remus!"

"Sorry James."

After they had gotten Sirius calmed down, the four 'marauders' went back to Gryffindor Tower . They settled into the common room to play some Exploding Snap to pass the time until they became fully human again. However, things didn't exactly go that smoothly. In other words, most of the female Gryffindor population wanted to see Sirius' tail.

"Oh, it's so cute!" gushed a couple of third-year girls. Sirius preened and his tail started wagging again, bringing with it a chorus of 'ooohs' and 'ahhhs'.

"Alright Waggy, that's enough for you," said James as he hauled Sirius up to their dormitory, with Remus and Peter left to fend off the masses of girls trying to follow Sirius up to his bed.

Remus, James and Peter finally convinced Sirius to just go to sleep after half an hour. After the others were sure Sirius was sleeping, (his tail was wagging yet again), they went to sleep.

The next morning, the whole of Gryffindor House was awakened by a yell from James, "SIRIUS!"

Sirius just walked down the stairs to the common room, with his tail wagging.


	6. 6: Layers of Meaning

Chapter 6 – Layers of Meaning

_Poor Remus, and that's all I'm gonna say. _

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"Hey Remus! Wait up!" yelled Lily as she raced down the hall to catch up with Remus, James and Sirius.

Remus turned around, "Was there something you needed Lily?"

Sirius and James snickered at the word 'needed'. Remus flushed, "Not like that!"

"Yes actually," Lily replied, "I do need you for something."

James looked scandalized while Sirius had to lean on the wall so he wouldn't fall on the floor from laughter.

Lily grinned at James and Sirius, "You two are utter perverts. I need to _talk_ to Remus about something."

"Alright," said Remus, "What is it?"

"Let's go talk outside, where it's more, private," Lily told him. James was again positively shocked at this side of Lily and Sirius actually did fall on the floor this time.

As Lily and Remus left, Peter walked up to his friends, "Did I miss something?"

James still couldn't get his mouth to work, and Sirius was still rolling on the floor, laughing like a hyena.

**qpqpqpqpqp**

Remus and Lily walked outside until they reached the path that lead to Hagrid's hut, figuring that no one was likely to bother them.

Lily turned to Remus, "Alright, well, now I'm not sure what to say."

"Well, what is this about Lily?"

"I've figured it out Remus."

Remus blanched, "Figured out what?"

"Oh Remus, it's alright. I have nothing against it or you."

"You don't?"

"No, of course I don't."

"But how can it not bother you? I mean, I-"

"It's a part of you Remus, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"How did you figure it out?"

"All I had to do was watch you."

"Just that?"

"You're not exactly the best person at hiding things Remus."

"I know."

"Do the boys know?"

"Yes, they figured it out a few years ago."

"I didn't think they were that observant."

"Actually, Sirius originally thought that I was girl."

"He what?"

"Sirius honestly thought I was a girl pretending to be a boy. It was a rather amusing conversation now that I think about it."

"Of course he would think of the most unlikely scenario possible."

"If he didn't, he wouldn't be Sirius."

"Good point."

"So you really don't have a problem with this? It not always easy to be around someone who's been ostracized from society."

"Remus, you are not ostracized. All of your friends don't care. To us, you're still Remus John Lupin."

"I know, but it's still hard to believe that none of you have any problems with this."

"Well, we don't. Maybe others will, but it's not like you have to tell anyone unless you want to."

"That is true. But people are likely to find out Lily. I mean both you and the guys all figured it out. There's bound to have been others."

"Maybe there are, but even so, they haven't told anyone."

"I can't figure out why not."

"It's because people like you Remus."

"Again I haven't figured out why yet."

"Remus John Lupin, you will stop feeling sorry for yourself this instant!"

"Sorry."

"Good."

"At least I can always count on you to yell at me when I start doing that."

"Glad to know I could help. Maybe I'll upgrade to walloping you when you start becoming self-depreciating."

"There's no need to get physical now Lily."

"Of course there isn't."

"I'm glad you talked to me about this Lily, it makes me feel a lot better."

"Well, your welcome. Now, the juicy details."

"What?"

"Now that we've had this talk, I want to know if there's someone who's caught your eye."

"No one."

"You're sure?"

"Well then, what about any previous crushes?"

"There aren't any."

"Well then, how did you figure it out?"

"Figure what out?"

"You know, what we've been talking about."

"I've known since I was very little. I've had this for most of my life."

"That seems a little, well odd, don't you think?"

"Not really."

"Hm, you're sure there's no one you would want me to set you up with?"

"No, I'm quite happy single."

"It's not one of the-oh my, it is, isn't it? And that's why you're not telling me!"

"It's one of what?"

"The boys."

"What?!"

"Don't be shy now Remus. It's not like you can't tell me."

"I don't fancy them."

"C'mon Remus, don't lie."

"I'm not lying Lily."

"Maybe you don't fancy them."

Of course I don't."

"Well, alright it does make sense, they are like brothers to you."

"Well, yes. They are definitely brothers."

"Are you absolutely sure you don't want me to set you up? I know this great Ravenclaw who would love-"

"No. And why are you so set on getting me a girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"So you like both?"

"What?"

"Well I didn't see that coming."

"Lily, tell me in simple words what we've been talking about for the last ten minutes."

"Well, at first I thought you were gay, but now I see you're bi-"

"I'm not gay!"

"What? Well then what have you been talking about?"

"I'm a werewolf."

"Oh."

"Yes."

"Oh, well that makes sense to, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Well, everything I said earlier still applies. You're still me friend and I don't give a damn."

"You really don't care?"

"Yes actually. This is easier to accept than the fact that I thought you had a crush on Sirius."

"I do not have a crush on Sirius!"

"Well I know that now."

"I can't believe you thought I was gay."

"At least I didn't think you were a girl."

"Good point."

"Well at least we know one thing."

"If you're closest friends didn't figure it out, no one else has."

"That's not exactly comforting considering what you all thought you 'figured out'."

"Oh, you'll get over it."

"I'll probably have emotional scarring."

"Oh, don't be dramatic."

"Ow, you hit hard."

"Sorry."

"That's alright."

"Uh, Remus?"

"Yes."

"Can we not tell the boys about this?"

"About you thinking I was gay?"

"Yes."

"Sure. Besides, they would just tease me more."

"Let's go back. James might have collapsed from shock of my earlier behavior."

"Fine. I still can't believe it."

"Stop whining."

"But I'm either a girl, or I'm gay. It's not fair."

"Get over it."

"Hey, stop hitting me."

"You asked for it."

"Fine. Let's just go back."

**qpqpqpqpqp**

"Hey!" exclaimed Sirius, "they're back!"

"What did you two talk about for that long?" asked James.

Sirius waved his hand, "Oh I know! They were talking about us!"

Lily and Remus blushed, remember their conversation about crushing on Sirius.

"Holy Merlin, I was right?" said Sirius.

James asked, "Why are you two blushing?"

"None of your business James Potter," said Lily.

"Oh c'mon, like you said anything bad."

Lily got a glint in her eye, "Actually, we were discussing our sexuality and how we express it."

James choked, Peter blushed, and Sirius fell to the floor laughing.


	7. 7: Death, Don Juan and Cupid

Chapter 7 – Death, Don Juan and Cupid

_Yes again I am changing their ages. Andromeda is 17, Bellatrix is 16, Narcissa is 15 and everyone else is 14. Beware of the wackiness that ensures on Halloween. _

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Severus Snape was walking to the library. He had gotten permission from his Potions professor to get out an old arcane book on potions from the Restricted Section. He kept thanking Merlin for that spell he had found that would confuse someone just long enough, so that he could get his professors to sign the Restricted Section permission slips. He had almost made it to the sanctuary of Madame Pince's domain when he was accosted by the three Black sisters, Narcissa, Andromeda and Bellatrix.

Narcissa stood right in front of him, "We need a fourth, and you're going to be it"

Severus raised his eyebrow, "Isn't three the traditional number for workings? Or are you playing wizard poker again? Because if you are, I remember what happened to Rodolphus the last time he played with you three, so my answer's no."

Narcissa barely came up to his chin but she could still glare a hole through him, "We need a fourth person for our Halloween costumes."

"Halloween costumes!" exclaimed Severus, "As in the Halloween dance? Partaking in dancing, socializing and wasting a perfectly good evening dealing with the dunderheads that attend this school instead of reading up on potions?"

Andromeda stepped out from behind him, "You can be Death."

"I could be dead," Severus corrected her, "And are you threatening me?"

Bellatrix slapped him across the back of the head, "We're going as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Except for the little problem of there only being three of us."

Severus rolled his eyes and looked extremely bored, "I will not come to your dance, dressed up in a skull mask. I have better thing to do."

Unfortunately that was probably the worst thing he could have said. Well, next to 'I've stolen all of your knickers', but honestly, he wasn't that stupid. At that exact moment Severus Snape learnt that the three Black sisters had equally strong death glares. Prior to this Severus had thought Narcissa's solo glare was bad enough. However, now he was being leveled by a threefold-patented-Black-death-glare, and it was actually terrifying. The accompanying punches from Andromeda and Bellatrix also helped in his decision.

"Fine, but don't expect me to like it," said Severus.

Narcissa smiled, "Good. I'm going as Famine, Andy is going as Pestilence and Trix is going to be War."

Andromeda looked at Bellatrix and smirked, "It is rather fitting that Trix is war, isn't it?"

Bellatrix promptly whacked her sister on the head. Severus and Narcissa had to bite their tongues to refrain from laughing.

**qpqpqpqpqp**

_Halloween, the Great Hall_

The Halloween Party at Hogwarts was well under way. Bats flew up into the rafters of the ceiling of the Great Hall and pumpkins floated above the punch tables, casting shadows on the walls. Professors Flitwick and McGonagall even transfigured and charmed up some dancing skeletons.

The four marauders were in a group over by one of the punch bowls. James was parading around in a costume that looked like it came from an Opera in the 1800's, Sirius was dressed up as Don Juan and he was of course, flirting with every female that even glanced at him. Remus was sulking, because his friends had put him in a wolf outfit. And Peter was a cute, cuddly, Panda Bear. His friends were pretty sure that the cute Hufflepuff Peter was dating had something to do with this.

Sirius quietly brought out a bottle of firewhiskey that they'd gotten from Hogsmade earlier that week and started pouring it into the punch.

"Sirius Black!" yelled Lily as she marched over, "What are you doing?"

Sirius turned around, hiding the firewhiskey behind his back, "Nothing."

"Holy Merlin," said James, as he took in what Lily was dressed in, or the lack thereof. Lily was going as Aphrodite, the goddess of Love. In maintaining with the character, she was simply wrapped in a single piece of silk. Slightly see through silk.

Lily reached behind Sirius and pulled out the bottle of firewhiskey, "Nothing?"

James regained enough mental functions to answer Lily's question, "It's just one punch bowl Lily. C'mon, everyone could do with a little loosening up."

Lily response was forestalled by the appearance of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Bellatrix was leading way in a dark blood-red cloak, and tied to the belt at her waist was a rather large and real-looking sword. Andromeda followed in a sickly pale yellow-green cloak and she had her wand pointed behind her. At her command, she conjured up a fake Dementor. Standing beside Andromeda was Narcissa, all in black. Hanging off her belt was a scale. Bringing up the rear was Severus, in white. Looped around his shoulder was a quiver of arrows, and he was carrying a bow.

All conversation was stopped, and everyone was staring at the four Slytherins.

Andromeda whispered to Narcissa, "We should have ridden in on horses."

"Andy, how many times do we have to tell you? We were not going to transfigure ourselves up some horses. It leads to way to many problems. We already had enough trouble getting the professors to allow us the sword and bow."

"We agreed not to hurt anyone."

"And you think Trix and Snape are going to keep to that?"

"Well, no. Not really."

"My point."

The music and partying started up again, even though people were still watching the group warily. Well, they did have a sword and a bow. Severus was looking disgruntled at having been made to participate in the Halloween Party. However, he was glad that the other students were giving him a wide berth because of the bow.

Unfortunately, that good fortune was not to last.

"Hey Snivellus," shouted Sirius, "You going as Cupid?"

Everyone in the Hall sniggered.

Severus turned around and faced Black, "If you actually paid attention Black, you would know that I am Death."

"Yah right. You're Cupid. All you're missing are the little dainty white angel wings. You even have the bow and arrows to prove it!" laughed Sirius, "Where is the diaper?"

"Death does not wear a diaper but you seem to be wearing a pair of pantyhose, Nancy boy."

Sirius dove for Snape and before anyone could say 'Quidditch', Severus had pulled an arrow from the quiver, stepped out of the way of Black's mad charge, notched the arrow, and fired. A screech was heard from Sirius. He had an arrow sticking out of his arse. He glared at Severus.

Severus sneered, "Well then, if I am cupid, you've just been hit with one of my arrows. Have a nice evening Black."

Next to Severus, Bella was snickering, putting all her weight on the sword she carried to keep her upright.

Severus turned to her, "And what is so amusing?"

Bella continued laughing as she explained, "You do know that your victim will fall in love with the first person they see right?"

"Get to the point Bellatrix," snapped Snape.

"Well, Black first looked at you, dear cupid."

Both Sirius and Severus looked at each other in horror. Sirius started running to the infirmary, yelping every couple of steps, while Severus fled back to the Slytherin dormitory.

The Great Hall was filled with laughter, sniggering, snorting and chuckles as the rumors spread about the sordid love affair of Sirius Black and Severus Snape.


	8. 8: Mischief Managed

Chapter 8 – Mischief Managed

_A/N: Sorry for the delay everyone. Between end of semester finals, job applications, interviews, spring yard work and summer semester I've been a tad busy. Hope you all enjoy this. The next chapter should be up within the week, as it's already been started._

_And thanks once again to everyone who reads and reviews_

_Special thanks to Cindy for aiding in the writing of this chapter!_

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The Gryffindor portrait opened and closed however, no one entered. At least it looked that way, though three of the marauders knew better. Sirius walked away from the chess board to greet James, and Remus put the chess pieces away, knowing Sirius wouldn't continue playing. Sirius nudged Peter as he walked by and all four of them walked up to their dorm room.

Once inside their dorm room, James uncloaked and looked around. His hair was extremely messy, well, messier than usual, and his tie was loose. Remus raised an eyebrow, "Busy evening with Lily?"

James didn't say anything, but smirked.

Remus raised his other eyebrow, "If it was Lily, why are you here? And where is she? Did you get caught by Filch?"

James completely undid his tie and tossed it on his bed, "We got caught by Mrs. Norris. She went to get Filch and we ran in separate directions. She had to get back to her study group, and I came back here."

"I nearly ran into Peeves last week," Sirius added.

Remus tried to raise his eyebrows higher but since they were already higher than usual he just resorted to smirking.

Sirius looked away, "Fine. I was meeting Harriet McDougal to study."

Peter looked extremely dubious and James snorted.

"Okay, Harriet and I were snogging in an empty classroom."

James was folding up the cloak and stuffing it into his trunk, "You where using an empty classroom Sirius? Honestly, you where just begging to be caught. Closets are so much more private. And easier to silence since they're smaller."

Sirius interrupted, "And I suppose getting buried beneath a pile of mops is romantic."

"Good point. We need to find some kind of way to ensure that we don't get caught. I wonder if Remus could create some kind of warning spell. Or maybe a tracking spell."

Remus had previous lost interest in the conversation and was currently reading his Charms textbook. He was startled when James said his name, "What?"

"Warning spells!" James batted the book Remus was reading away from him and continued, "We want warning spells! Or some way to track Mrs. Norris and Filch."

Remus blinked, "You can always tie a bell to her collar."

James and Sirius glared at him.

Remus looked at his book, "Well, that was a boring chapter anyways. I'll see what I can do."

**qpqpqpqpqp **

_Several weeks later_

The Marauders bent over a square piece of blank parchment.

James poked it with his wand, "It's blank. This is your masterpiece Remus?"

Words spilled across the parchment - _Mr. Padfoot would like to remind his friend that he is not an idiot, so he shouldn't act like one. Mr. Wormtail would like to convey that Mr. Prongs should use his brain rather than other organs to think. Mr. Moony would like to know why Mr. Prongs has forgotten even the simplest things. And Mr. Prongs would like to tell himself to shut up and listen to Mr. Moony._

James jumped back and stared at the swiftly vanishing words on the parchment, "An insulting parchment. That's absolutely spiffing Remus!"

Remus gave him a look of utter contempt and poked the parchment with his wand, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

In the spidery tracery of lines that in the future would become very familiar to the Weasley twins and the Golden Trio, the map of Hogwarts reveled itself.

Sirius leaned closer and pointed to a moving dot, "Look! There's Mrs. Norris. She's pacing in front of the trophy case."

Peter looked down over the map, "Twinky's in the kitchen. That means we will get roast beef for supper tonight."

James looked up and grinned, "You always think with your stomach Peter," he turned to Remus, "We have the perfect map for sneaking around. You have the professors, Peeves, Filch, Mrs. Norris and the House Elves on here."

He reached across the table for the map but Remus beat him to it. Remus snapped up his masterpiece and muttered "mischief managed" before turning on the other Marauders.

"This is a very important piece of work. I will not have it sullied by useless endeavors, like snogging adventures," he said in his most solemn voice. Then he broke into a grin "However, we can use it to cause even more havoc than ever. For instance, I propose the creation of 'The Annual Marauder Night of Chaos' starting tonight. I think a small box of fireworks in the Hufflepuff dorm might be a nice place to start…."

The four Marauders hunched lower over the table ignorant of the figure hiding on the opposite side of the room. A figure with red hair and green eyes.

**qpqpqpqpqp **

That night, several people crept out of their dorms. The first to leave was four Gryffindor boys huddled underneath an invisibility cloak. They were soon followed by a lean redheaded female who was layered beneath many disillusionment charms to avoid being caught. At the same time, a lanky black haired boy slipped out of the Slytherin dorms and crept up to the astronomy tower.

Unbeknownst to all the other Houses, there was a party going on in the Hufflepuff common room. It was a prefect's birthday, and as Hufflepuff's tend to need very little reason to celebrate anything, they had decorated the common room in bright yellow streamers and balloons. It looked like a sunflower had exploded. The Marauders crept in when the door opened to expel some of the more serious students who where escaping to the library. James looked like he had been hit by a stunner upon seeing the party, but Sirius had no such concerns. He flipped off the cloak and handed it to Remus who looked slightly more stunned (if that was even possible) than James. After a quick check on his hair, Sirius sauntered up to the birthday girl and proceeded to give her all seventeen of her birthday kisses with mind-numbing expertise. Peter looked torn between spending time with his girlfriend, and the desserts table.

Remus and James were standing just inside the portrait hole and were looking extremely confused. Remus looked at the map, "You know, I should probably add some more layers to this map now so that it can track everyone. If we had seen that there were this many people in the room, we could have avoided this mission failure."

However James had a better idea and grabbed the map, "Do that tomorrow. I'm going to find Lily and enjoy not being caught by Mrs. Norris."

James stepped outside of the brightly lit room and put on the cloak. Remus stood in the doorway a minute longer and then decided to make his way back up to the Gryffindor dorms. About three steps out the door he ran into Lily.

"Where is James?" she asked.

"Looking for you. He has his invisibility cloak"

"Do you know where he was headed?"

"I would assume he went to Gryffindor Tower."

Lily turned and started walking. She paused, "Aren't you coming Remus?"

Remus quickly caught up with Lily and they both started off towards Gryffindor Tower.

**qpqpqpqpqp **

_In Gryffindor_ _Tower_

James quickly took off the cloak and went to look for Lily. He ran into Gertrude Prewitt coming down from the girl's dorms, "Is Lily up there?"

Gertrude looked at James, "Of course not. She said something about having to finish some Divination homework involving the alignment of the planets."

James replied, "Thanks Gertrude. I guess I'm off to the Astronomy Tower then."

"Sure," said Gertrude as she headed off to the Library.

James quickly put back on his invisibility cloak. Deciding to take the secret passage to the Astronomy Tower, he put the map in his dorm and left a note in the Common Room for Remus, Sirius and Peter telling them that the map was back in their dorm. He was off to go surprise Lily.

Rather unfortunately, he did not run into Remus and Lily, as he took off to find a specific statute that was in actuality a secret passage to the Astronomy Tower.

Upon reaching the Gryffindor Tower, Remus and Lily looked around for James, and when they couldn't find him they sat down on one of the couches in the Common Room.

"Well," said Remus, "I wonder where he wandered off to?"

"Do you think we could try a tracking spell?" asked Lily.

"Maybe, but I have a better idea," replied Remus as he noticed the note that James left. He quickly fetched the map and explained to Lily what it was and how it worked. The two of them quickly set out to add James to the map. Several minutes later, they were done. They spotted James' dot heading towards the Astronomy Tower.

Lily turned to Remus, "Well, he'll soon realize that I'm not up there and come back down. You up for a game of Exploding Snap?"

**qpqpqpqpqp **

_In the Astronomy_ _Tower_

Severus Snape checked the directions for his potion again, making sure that it was in the correct position in the circle of runes that he'd drawn on the floor of the Astronomy Tower.

"Alright," Severus muttered, "just a few more minutes and everything will be done."

Severus moved back against the one wall of the Tower, as he knew that the potion had the reputation of being a tad, temperamental. And besides, he didn't need to be near it for the last stage. This act, coupled with the fact that he was now hidden in the shadows, had unknowingly allowed for the embarrassing situation that would follow.

Behind the same wall that Severus was leaning against, stood James. He had just arrived and saw through one of the cracks in the wall that someone was in the perfect spot for him to surprise them. As he believed this someone to be Lily, he quickly devised the perfect surprise for his girlfriend.

Before Severus knew what was happening, he had been pulled into a passage behind the wall, pressed up against the passage wall, and snogged. Severus pushed the figure away from him, "What in Merlin's name are you doing? And who are you?"

James turned white, "I take it you're not Lily Evans?"

"Of bloody course I'm not you imbecile. I am not female."

"Snivellus?"

"Potter?"

They both cast _Lumos _and then both promptly cast cleaning spells on their mouths.

Severus glared at James, "We will never speak of this, incident, ever. Agreed?"

"Of course yes. You think I want this known?"

"I have never sought to understand the inner working of your mind Potter, and I will not endeavor to do so now. Just leave."

And with that James ran back to the Gryffindor Tower, and Severus was relieved to see that his potion had turned out fine. After bottling his potion, he seriously considered obliviating himself.

**qpqpqpqpqp**

_In Gryffindor_ _Tower_

"Ha! I win again!" exclaimed Lily.

"Why do you always win?" groaned Remus.

"Because I'm female. We always win."

Remus' retorted was forestalled by James stumbling through the portrait entrance. He looked as if he'd been caught doing something inappropriate to one of McGonagall's mice.

Lily asked, "What wrong? Did you get hexed or something?"

"I don't want to talk about it Lily. I really just want to forget this entire evening and go to sleep," James said as he started up the stairs to the dormitories.

"And what could you possible done James?" asked Remus, in a joking manner, "Had a passionate snog with Snape in the Astronomy Tower?"

James blanched and just walked up the stairs quicker, muttering about how _oblivate _sounded like a really good idea.

Remus and Lily looked at each other, and then they both shook their heads. They was no way…right?


	9. 9: Not all the Bulls are in China Shops

Chapter 9 - Not all the Bulls are in China Shops

_A.N: Sorry about the long delay. I'm back now, with no more summer classes, vacations or excessive amounts of yard work to do._

_Thank you to the readers and reviewers of this story! Special thanks to Cindy who came up with the amusing ways in which Sirius and James could get in trouble. And special thanks also to Miri for being my wonderful beta._

**qpqpqpqpqp **

"Ouch! That hurt!" Sirius jumped back several feet from the chrome object. The stainless steel, three pronged instrument he was holding dropped to the floor, "Why'd it do that?"

Lily was laughing too hard to explain, and James and Peter were just as confused as Sirius. So, naturally it was left to Remus to explain the subtle workings of a toaster and the more basic rule of 'don't stick a metal object in an electrical appliance. In other words 'Don't stick a fork in a toaster.'

The seventh years had been given the day off while their teachers marked their mock NEWTs. Lily had wanted to visit her parents and sister, while Remus needed to pick up some stuff in Muggle London. Naturally, the remaining three had tagged along. Lily had arrived home to find that her parents had gone out and left a note on the table.

The note had mentioned something about Petunia needing stitches after a small accident with a paring knife and they doubted that they would be back until after the teens returned to Hogwarts. Lily's mom also expressed sadness that she could not meet Lily's boyfriend. As Lily read the note, Sirius attempted to discover the mysteries of the toaster, James had been fascinated by the telly and Peter warily stuck his head in the fridge.

"Will it do that again?" Sirius inquired as he picked the fork off the floor and advanced on the hapless toaster again. Lily and Remus lunged for him as soon as they realized that he intended to put the fork in the toaster again. "Ouch! How many times will it do that before… heh…what if I put it in _that_ thing!" Sirius pointed at a light socket. Remus jumped on his friend and Lily sat on Sirius's back when he hit the ground.

Speaking slowly as though she was talking to an extremely dense child (Sirius was not a child but the density of his skull was often called into question), "If you stick the fork into the electrical socket you will look like you have been stuck by lightning. Unlike lightning, this is not an instantaneous experience. The electricity will continue to burn through you, and anyone who touches you, until we get sick enough of the smell of burning flesh that we hit you with a wooden board so that you fall over and away from the electricity. And you will be unable to move during the entire experience."

Sirius, of course, had more questions. Lily finally got sick of them and marched Sirius and Peter to the couch to join James, who was staring avidly at the television screen. He turned to face Lily, "What is this…"

Lily glared at him, "Star Trek. Now shut up"

James looked back at the screen, "What are the people with the bumps on their heads?"

Lily didn't even look at him, "Klingons. I told you to shut up"

Remus looked around, "We can't Floo back to the school until five o'clock, which means we have four hours to…keep these three out of trouble. Oh, and I need to visit the grocery to pick up some crisps and soda; I promised Emma that I would bring some back for her. You said you needed to visit the bookstore to pick up some new books. I really don't want to take these three out…"

James glared, "We are not untrained puppies…"

Lily interrupted him, "I am not leaving them here. I know that Peter will leave nothing in the fridge and James will spend the next eight hours watching the television, but Sirius…I mean the blender-"

Sirius interrupted, "What's a blender? It sounds fun!"

Lily kept on going, "Long distance calls, -"

Remus started his own list "Them on the subway, -"

"Them in a Muggle suburb-"

"Cross-walks and traffic lights-"

"The typewriter upstairs-"

"Elevators, escalators-"

"THE BLENDER…Sirius putting things in the blender…WITHOUT SUPERVISION!!"

Remus stopped talking, "Oh Merlin! You don't have any pet goldfish, do you?"

"I do, and I want them to stay alive."

"Fine, we'll take them into London."

The bus into downtown went fine. The questions about the differences between a red bus and the purple Knight bus were easy and quickly dealt with. Lunch was at a small pub that was nearly identical to the ones in Hogsmead and Sirius only sat and sulked when he was denied whisky because he had was too young. Of course, the slap across the head by Lily might have also minimized the fuss that he made. Lily's stop at a small bookstore was perfectly mundane since they all knew about non-moving pictures, even that question was avoided.

Remus and Lily got progressively more and more apprehensive as the day went on. Both of them knew that something bad was going to happen. It just had to.

It happened at the grocery, which was a big chain grocery with what seemed like endless aisles and lights. The three purebloods were quickly herded to the isle containing the soda and crisps. Remus reached for a couple bottles of root beer when he heard an enormous bang and lots of little snaps. He turned around to see that James had stepped on a bag and that he looked overjoyed, "It sounds great. Lets break another one!" and before Lily could stop him James had dropped another bag on the floor and jumped on it. Little flakes of fried and salted potatoes flew everywhere.

Sirius grabbed his own bag, "I can make a better explosion," and he jumped on three bags at once. In complete shock, Remus dropped the soda bottles he was holding and they exploded on the floor.

James looked at the foamy brown liquid, running down the aisle carrying away the crisps, "I remember those, if you shake them and open the bottle they explode!" and he then proceeded to demonstrate.

As he was reaching for another handful of bags and bottles, Remus grabbed his shirt collar, "That is food. Not firecrackers. That is the manager of the store," he pointed, "he is a bit mad. You are going to be in a lot of trouble."

Just before the manager reached the four boys, Lily stepped in front of him. Noticing that he was nearly turning purple, she gave a little smile of apology, "I am so sorry, they are the children of some missionaries from….from… Uruguay. This is their first trip into civilization. We'll pay for the crisps and soda. I promise."

She grabbed James' arm, "Come on Jamie. Let's go pay for your little mess. Did you get everything you needed Ryan? Good. Come on Pete, Seamus. Let's go!"

They marched up to the till with the manager in tow. The manager explained to the cashier that they owed the store for five bags of crisps and three bottles of root beer that they had destroyed and left.

"What is that?" Peter pointed at the cash register.

The cashier looked at him. "Are you from Nigeria too?"

They all looked blank.

"We had some people in here yesterday from Nigeria, said they were missionary's children. They were fascinated by the cash register. I had to explain everything to them. Not that I minded. The blond one was dreamy. He said his name was Lucian or something like that. Where are you from?"

Lily looked at the others…Lucian? "Oh, they're from Uruguay."

The cashier smiled tolerantly as Lily shoved the boys outside. After walking some distance away from the store, James stopped and turned around, "Why was _Lucius_ slumming?"

As no one had an answer to that question and since they were all due back at the Leaky Cauldron in an hour, they walked down the street, pausing to window shop, but they did not actually enter any stores.

Remus bent over to whisper something in Lily's ear and she started laughing.

James turned around, "What are you whispering to my girlfriend?"

Remus smirked, "Oh, just commenting that it's good we're not going into any china shops since you could definitely give a bull a run for its money."


End file.
